When I was in high school our little Chihuahua did something stupid. She chased a skunk underneath the house. Right below my bedroom, in fact. And skunks did what skunks do. She sprayed our dog and completely defiled our house. I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom for weeks.
Your home is supposed to be a place of safety and security. It’s supposed to be a place where you get refreshed and take shelter from the cruel outside world. But that’s kind of impossible whenever you’re smelling skunk all day. I’m almost certain this skunk is why I failed pre-Calculus. (It might have had more to do with my lack of doing homework and not paying attention—but I’m more than happy to have this skunk take the fall).
I think about that smelly skunk whenever I read Proverbs 27:15. “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike…” What that Proverb is telling us is that if you have a contentious wife then you are going to be about as miserable as a person who has had a skunk stink up the underneath your house. You’ll long to flee that house. What should be nurturing and welcoming and safe and life-giving will become the bane of your existence.
Often in Proverbs there isn’t much context to give us clues to meaning. but here in Proverbs 27 we have a bit of context. Notice Proverbs 27:12. “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” This means that if you have a quarrelsome girlfriend you are likely going to have a quarrelsome wife. So unless you want to have a home in ruins you’d be wise to “hide yourself” and not continue on in this relationship.
Listen Up, Buck!
I know that you are the sparkle in your honey’s eyes. And I know that she is absolutely infatuated with you and that you are never going to have issues with your lady. And you are just as crazy about her. You’ve maybe even noticed some of her quarrelsome tendencies—but you assume that you’ll never be on the receiving end of those barbs. But permit me to give one last call to heed wisdom. Just ask yourself a few questions.
How does she get along with her family? Is she always in conflict with them? Is there always an issue, always a problem? Did you realize that someday you are going to be her family? The way she interacts with her family is likely going to be how she interacts with you.
How does she argue with you? Listen, marriage is filled with a ton of little things. If your arguments are about small things even now, that is only going to escalate in marriage. But sometimes you have serious issues that need to be talked through. Is the level of intensity with which you discuss McDonald’s or Arby’s about the same as you discuss your differing views on how many children you’d like to have? If she is always “cranked up to 11” that is a character issue. You need to heed that.
Does she see the dark side of things and put the worst possible spin on things? Listen to the way that she tells stories. Especially the ones that she tells other people that you were present for. Does she tell the story with herself in the best light and put the worst possible spin on her enemy? That is telling. Some day you’ll be on the other end of things. And she’ll always view you in the worst possible light.
Can she relax and have a good time? Charles Bridges is correct, “occasions always present themselves for the display of an unhappy temper.” If she is almost always embroiled in some sort of conflict there is one common denominator in that; namely, her. There are opportunities for needless controversy every single day. Quarrelsome people will not pass on any opportunity to engage in battle and voice an opinion. If she can’t relax and enjoy things now, you aren’t likely going to change that just by putting a ring on her finger.
There are many other questions you can ask. I’d suggest reading this excellent article by Kevin DeYoung on The Distinguishing Marks of a Quarrelsome Person. If she fits much of this, then be wise and listen to God’s Word. Heed the warning signs or as the proverb says, “suffer for it”. Charles Bridges has wisely said, “prudence and prayer, not blind affection, give the only security of happiness and peace.”
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I feel like a couple disclaimers are in order. First, you could just as easily switch the “she” to a “he” and the points would be about the same. Ladies, if you see the fella you are dating has so many of these characteristics, heed the warning.
Secondly, I’m writing this as one who has been blessed by a non-quarrelsome wife. In other words I’m not writing as one who didn’t heed the call of wisdom and is now suffering for it. But I am writing one who has had to watch marriages struggle because one or both partners are aptly described here. I don’t want that for young guys and gals going into marriage. Yes, redemption can happen. But it’d be far wiser to look for those the Lord has been radically working on before marriage and not presumptively assume that things will change once you tie the knot.
