Authenticity, of course, is the greatest virtue known to the millennial man. And I don’t know that I’ve got it. I do things almost daily that I do not necessarily feel like doing. In fact, I even have to coach myself into doing things which do not come natural to me. I’m really going against my “authentic self” on a daily basis.
I have lived most of my life as a pessimist. Or perhaps I’d prefer you call me a realist. Or one with good biblical theology that is painfully aware of the depravity of man—including myself. My philosophy in life has been that even when things are great you’d better watch out. We live in a fallen world with fallen people and as such the other shoe is eventually going to drop. Things are going to even out and that blessing is going to turn into a curse. So, for me to be authentic is to be miserable and fearful. That’s what my emotions drive me towards—at least that’s the case now.
But God has been doing something absolutely life-altering in my heart. Awhile back I hit a pretty low spot. We’re talking 1-800-NEED-HELP low. It scared me. I realized that things needed to change and I finally pursued biblical counseling.
My biblical counselor, by his own admission, didn’t share with me anything that I didn’t already know. But he put things together for me in a way that was incredibly helpful. I was so weak and broken that I needed someone to cut my spiritual food into tiny digestible pieces. I came to realize that there were things that I was incredibly fearful of, things which when I had to face them they pushed me to the brink. And I wasn’t seeing Jesus there. But my biblical counselor challenged me to see the world through the eyes of hope. (There is so much more here I want to share).
It clicked.
Jesus met me in the darkness and he called me into hope. I read the Bible differently now. I look at the world differently. I truly have hope. (And this was the case even before our transition into a new place. God’s work in my heart is part of what propelled us into this new season of life and ministry).
My emotions don’t always match up to this new journey. If I don’t do battle I’ll find myself wanting to start believing fearful lies again. In those moments Lady Authenticity cries very loudly—I want to do what feels true. Even though I’m called to face every emotion head-on, I also know that these emotions aren’t authoritative. There is a better story that I’m asked to believe.
So this is what has me at times feeling like a fake. I speak of hope sometimes when my feeler doesn’t feel hopeful. I force myself to listen to that Greater Story even when my little story is screaming of it’s sovereignty.
What is really happening here is that I’m dying to self. Mr. Self is a negative, miserable, and self-consumed man. And he’s dying. Hope is where life is found. My truly authentic self dances in the redemption that Jesus has purchased. So I’m “faking it” because I know the other story is more authentic than the one I might be feeling at a particular moment. God promised that He was resurrecting me—and I’m seeing a foretaste even now.
“What had begun as a disguise had become a reality.” –C.S. Lewis
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