One Way to Avoid Being Miserable In Your Own Home

Mike Leake

martin-knize-37047When I was in high school our little Chihuahua did something stupid. She chased a skunk underneath the house. Right below my bedroom, in fact. And skunks did what skunks do. She sprayed our dog and completely defiled our house. I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom for weeks.

Your home is supposed to be a place of safety and security. It’s supposed to be a place where you get refreshed and take shelter from the cruel outside world. But that’s kind of impossible whenever you’re smelling skunk all day. I’m almost certain this skunk is why I failed pre-Calculus. (It might have had more to do with my lack of doing homework and not paying attention—but I’m more than happy to have this skunk take the fall).

I think about that smelly skunk whenever I read Proverbs 27:15. “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike…” What that Proverb is telling us is that if you have a contentious wife then you are going to be about as miserable as a person who has had a skunk stink up the underneath your house. You’ll long to flee that house. What should be nurturing and welcoming and safe and life-giving will become the bane of your existence.

Often in Proverbs there isn’t much context to give us clues to meaning. but here in Proverbs 27 we have a bit of context. Notice Proverbs 27:12. “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” This means that if you have a quarrelsome girlfriend you are likely going to have a quarrelsome wife. So unless you want to have a home in ruins you’d be wise to “hide yourself” and not continue on in this relationship.

Listen Up, Buck!

I know that you are the sparkle in your honey’s eyes. And I know that she is absolutely infatuated with you and that you are never going to have issues with your lady. And you are just as crazy about her. You’ve maybe even noticed some of her quarrelsome tendencies—but you assume that you’ll never be on the receiving end of those barbs. But permit me to give one last call to heed wisdom. Just ask yourself a few questions.

How does she get along with her family? Is she always in conflict with them? Is there always an issue, always a problem? Did you realize that someday you are going to be her family? The way she interacts with her family is likely going to be how she interacts with you.

How does she argue with you? Listen, marriage is filled with a ton of little things. If your arguments are about small things even now, that is only going to escalate in marriage. But sometimes you have serious issues that need to be talked through. Is the level of intensity with which you discuss McDonald’s or Arby’s about the same as you discuss your differing views on how many children you’d like to have? If she is always “cranked up to 11” that is a character issue. You need to heed that.

Does she see the dark side of things and put the worst possible spin on things? Listen to the way that she tells stories. Especially the ones that she tells other people that you were present for. Does she tell the story with herself in the best light and put the worst possible spin on her enemy? That is telling. Some day you’ll be on the other end of things. And she’ll always view you in the worst possible light.

Can she relax and have a good time? Charles Bridges is correct, “occasions always present themselves for the display of an unhappy temper.” If she is almost always embroiled in some sort of conflict there is one common denominator in that; namely, her. There are opportunities for needless controversy every single day. Quarrelsome people will not pass on any opportunity to engage in battle and voice an opinion. If she can’t relax and enjoy things now, you aren’t likely going to change that just by putting a ring on her finger.

There are many other questions you can ask. I’d suggest reading this excellent article by Kevin DeYoung on The Distinguishing Marks of a Quarrelsome Person. If she fits much of this, then be wise and listen to God’s Word. Heed the warning signs or as the proverb says, “suffer for it”. Charles Bridges has wisely said, “prudence and prayer, not blind affection, give the only security of happiness and peace.”

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I feel like a couple disclaimers are in order. First, you could just as easily switch the “she” to a “he” and the points would be about the same. Ladies, if you see the fella you are dating has so many of these characteristics, heed the warning.

Secondly, I’m writing this as one who has been blessed by a non-quarrelsome wife. In other words I’m not writing as one who didn’t heed the call of wisdom and is now suffering for it. But I am writing one who has had to watch marriages struggle because one or both partners are aptly described here. I don’t want that for young guys and gals going into marriage. Yes, redemption can happen. But it’d be far wiser to look for those the Lord has been radically working on before marriage and not presumptively assume that things will change once you tie the knot.

Pray With Your Spouse: Day Eighteen

Mike Leake

Day Eighteen: Confession

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. –1 John 1:9

I’ve seen some marriages crumble because the way the couple interacts with one another is more akin to the heretics that John is writing about that than the humble confession of the saints of 1 John 1:9.  The heretics had a messed up theology that protected them from ever having to confess their sinfulness. They denied sinfulness in their being and sinfulness in their actions. How easy is it for a spouse to take the same posture towards their beloved? Often it is pride that keeps us from confessing to one another. And our conflicts escalate whenever both parties refuse to confess the real problem—personal sin. Tim Savage is correct:

It is so important whenever disharmony arises between husbands and wives quickly to recognize the true nature of the problem: it is the sin of self-centeredness. Sadly, we often recoil from such an acknowledgement. We are more inclined to identify superficial irritants like incompatible personalities, trying circumstances, or differing opinions. But it is rarely the irritants themselves, rather the way sin exploits those irritants, that causes conflict in marriage. (Savage, 55)

So let’s be bold in Jesus today, knowing that when we humbly confess our sin is covered by the finished work of Jesus. Let’s believe the gospel enough to be courageous and confess to one another.

Father, I thank you that you have sent your son Jesus to die for our self-centeredness. We confess to you and to one another that the marriage issue in our marriage is sin. We are grateful that in Christ sin has been dealt with. It has been given a decisive blow and in Christ it no longer holds sway over us. Help us to believe this enough to confess our sin to not only you but one another. When disharmony comes to our marriage help us look to the plank in our own eye before trying to remove the speck in our spouses eye. Amen.

Pray With Your Spouse: Day Seventeen

Mike Leake

Day Seventeen: Dead to Sin

So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. –Romans 6:11

Considering the high-calling of marriage can make you feel a bit overwhelmed. The way you love your spouse is a picture of the gospel on display for the whole universe. Your marriage either tells the truth about God or a lie. No pressure, eh? That’s a tremendously high calling. I’m deeply in love with my wife, and she makes sacrifice not feel like much of a sacrifice. But I’m also a sinner, and there are days when I absolutely do not feel like serving my wife the way Scripture calls me to. When we compare our own inadequacies and sinful tendencies to the high-calling of marriage its tempting to just throw in the towel. But Paul’s argument in Romans 6 is wildly encouraging. If you are in Christ you have died to sin and you are alive in Christ. This means that you and I have, in Christ, the power that we need to progressively have a marriage which looks more and more like Christ. Let’s rejoice in that truth today, and be encouraged.

Father, I thank you have transferred all of those in Christ from the “dead-in-sin” family into the “alive-to-God” family. There are days, Lord, when I feel as if I don’t have what it takes to be the spouse you call me to be. And it’s true. But in Christ we do have the power to be godly and to love our spouses the way you call us to do. Help us feast on the great truths of Romans 6 today. Help us live as those who are truly alive and to not let sin reign in our mortal bodies any longer. You have defeated our greatest enemy. Let us rejoice in your victory and take confidence in your power. Amen.

Pray With Your Spouse: Day Sixteen

Mike Leake

Day Sixteen: Patience

“Love is patient…” 1 Corinthians 13:4

We live in an age of instant gratification. If you need lunch in 5 minutes you can pop something in the microwave or take the shameful jaunt to the local McDonald’s. But sanctification doesn’t work that way. And because our marriage is for our sanctification, patience will be required. The hardest people to be patient with are the ones that we see every day. Our growth seems so slow and almost unnoticed. If we aren’t careful we’ll develop eyes and hearts which focus on the change still needed instead of the great growth the Lord has already wrought. Patience comes from confidence in the Lord’s work and trust in His sovereign plan. Let’s pray today that our marriages will be marked by patience. Patience with one another and patience as we together navigate the choppy waters of a hostile world. Radiant holiness is worthy any wait.

Father, thank you for your patience. You are absolutely holy and yet you are patient with sinners like us. Help us follow the footsteps of Jesus and be patient with one another. Forgive us for the times when we try to go faster than your work requires. Create in us a patient and still heart. We trust you and your work in us. Amen.