What Does Narcissism Look Like in a Church?

Mike Leake

photo-1484115189433-7d54dc870096Yesterday, we looked at a few characteristics of a narcissist and also outlined a narcissist cycle of abuse. What happens when someone who is fixated on themselves enters your community or becomes your pastor?

On the back of When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat an important question is asked: “Why does narcissism seem to thrive in our churches?” Why is it that the “vast majority of ministerial candidates test on the spectrum of Cluster B DSM-V personality disorders…”? And why are the rates even higher among church planters? Why do narcissists so easily get propelled to positions of leadership within our churches? I will give you a brief story (fictional, but will probably feel all too real to many readers) in an effort to shine a spotlight on how this happens.

The Answer To All Your Prayers

Podunk Baptist Church is hurting and has a massive gap to fill in an important department. Narcissist Ned is relatively new to the area and has exhibited a passion in this particular area. In fact he has already told many of the members and other leaders of his unbelievable experience in this particular area. He seems to be the expert you’ve been praying for. One of the characteristics of a narcissist is to exaggerate their life. Healthprep explains:

To give narcissists some credit, they’re excellent dramatists, and they can turn the most mundane details of their lives into the most outrageous, unbelievable stories. These are often too good to be true, because they’re actually lies. Their need to impress causes narcissists to stretch the truth or omit facts to fit their narrative better.

Their need to exaggerate, to be needed, to be seen as superior, and their sense of entitlement matches perfectly with the churches need for a passionate person to fill a ministry need. Sure, there might be a few warning signs but nevertheless Narcissistic Ned is thrust into a position of leadership. Keep in mind that most churches would “rather believe a reassuring lie than an utterly inconvenient and disturbing truth.” 

For a season it seems as if all the prayers have been answered. It’s a symbiotic relationship. The church is meeting Ned’s need to feel good about himself and he is returning the favor. He tells everyone what a great church he is part of.

When Reality Hits

But then reality starts to rear its ugly head. The church shows her flaws. This will play perfectly into the personality of the narcissist. Churches have flaws. They are filled with sinners. And healthier churches will have a built in culture of repentance, they’ll want to hear how they can grab hold of Christ better. Ned the Narcissist will be very adept at pointing out the flaws within the church—and may even seem to be prophetic. But this is where that symbiotic relationship with wither. Ned cannot admit to any of his own issues.

Although a narcissist generally wants to be in control, ironically, they never want the responsibility that comes with this role, the results and consequences for their actions, unless, of course, everything goes their way. However, when things do not go according to their plan or they feel criticized, a narcissist will place the responsibility and blame on others who are involved, as it always has to be someone else’s fault when things are not perfect. In some situations, the blame is generalized, such as all bosses, teachers, coworkers, friends, family, politicians and professionals, and so on, are to blame. (source)

What this will do is burn bridges with some and build a deep foundation with others. Within a church structure a narcissist can be on the idealization stage (think honeymoon) with some and the devaluation or rejection phase with others. This will likely develop factions within the church. Many conversations will be about Ned. He will be a polarizing figure. Some will love Ned, and others (likely those who have experienced the darker side of his narcissism) will have a bad taste in their mouth.

Your church is now divided and Ned has caused many problems. So, what do you do? How do you confront Ned? What are the next steps to take?

We will tackle that question on Friday…but tomorrow we need to consider the difference between a prophetic truth-teller and a narcissist.

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Photo source: here

10 Characteristics of a Narcissist

Mike Leake

When-Narcissism-comes-to-Church-Instagram-endorsement-1One of the most helpful books I’ve read in the past 5 years is When Narcissism Comes to the Church by Chuck DeGroat. Much of the emotional and spiritual abuse that happens comes from the hands of those who have a narcissistic personality.

Over the next couple days I want to share a few insights from this book and also think through how it relates to verses such as Matthew 18:15-20. I think in order to help our communities thrive, to speak for the vulnerable, and to love like Jesus we need to be knowledgeable of the Bible as well as being trauma-informed.

Today, I will share 10 characteristics, the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and try to give a bit of a picture of what interacting with a narcissist might look like.

The Characteristics of a Narcissist

DeGroat, with the help of Craig and Carolyn Williford, identify ten characteristics of the narcissist:

  1. All decision-making centers on them
  2. Impatience or a lack of ability to listen to others
  3. Delegating without giving proper authority or with too many limits
  4. Feelings of entitlement
  5. Feeling threatened or intimidated by other talented staff
  6. Needing to be the best and brightest in the room
  7. Inconsistency and impulsiveness
  8. Praising and withdrawing
  9. Intimidation of others
  10. Fauxnerability  (a calculated vulnerability)*

Is there someone in your life who this seems to fit to a tee? If so you might be dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality. I would also suggest reading through this insightful article outlining a few more warning signs. It is also important that we understand narcissistic abuse.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Abuse tends to follow cycles. You’ve likely seen the cycle of violent abuse: Tensions build, incident, reconciliation, calm—in an endless cycle. In one phase the abuser is making promises, sending flowers, bringing presents, and being a knight in shining armor in order to gain or regain control. Once that control is gained the relationship moves into a stage where the abuser begins to isolate the victim, demeans them, intimidates them, and begins to withdraw affection. When the victim is successfully “broken down” an abusive incident occurs. When the victim fights back, leaves, or placates the cycle tends to restart.

When you first meet a narcissist they will make you feel as if you are the most wonderful person to have ever lived. This phase is called idealization. You are given a ton of attention and the narcissistic abuser will be working to create a sense of ownership of you. Boundaries will be crossed but in the name of love and care for you. Early attempts at isolation will be made.

But nobody can stay on a pedestal forever. Eventually you fall off and at this stage the narcissist begins to devalue you. This is where put downs, threats, triangulation, and even more isolation begin to happen. If a narcissist is called out on any of this they will turn the script and play the role of a victim. (See DARVO).

This is where I’m a bit hesitant to call this a cycle. Narcissist will tend to reject and discard those who are no longer boosting their ego and giving them the attention that is needed. Narcissists tend to end the relationship and find another person/community to begin the abusive cycle all over. But they don’t go out without swinging. Here are a few behaviors common to the rejection phase:

  • Feelings of contempt and rage
  • Betraying the relationship
  • Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them
  • Playing the victim
  • Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
  • Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse  (Source)

What do you think happens when a narcissist comes to your church? What happens when that person becomes your pastor? We’ll try to paint a picture of this tomorrow.

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*It’s important that we consider the potential for narcissism in ourselves. Self-centeredness is part of the fall. It’s possible that you can see even a few of these things within yourself. (And the ability to see these may indicate that you aren’t actually a narcissist). We can also be very self-deceived. That’s why a healthy practice would be to give this list to others and ask them how they experience you. Give them permission to be absolutely honest with you.

How Do You Know He is a King?

Mike Leake

0d3a12cea09d4b9eaaae664ae5776242There is an illustration from Monty Python that I’ve always wanted to use but I’ve shied away from, until today. It’s a throw away line from one of the more famous scenes. The Cart Master—wheeling his cart of dead bodies shouts through the city “Bring out your dead!” A customer, with nine pence in hand, takes his “dead person” to the cart master. What ensues is a lengthy debate from the dead person who says, “I’m not dead yet” and the customer who argues that he’ll be dead soon enough and so should just get on the cart.

It’s a bit of a humorous take on an absolutely horrible situation. The Decameron explains it this way:

It was not merely a question of one citizen avoiding another, and of people almost invariably neglecting their neighbors and rarely or never visiting their relatives, addressing them only from a distance; this scourge had implanted so great a terror in the hearts of men and women that brothers abandoned brothers, uncles their nephews, sisters their brothers, and in many cases wives deserted their husbands.

At the end of this scene is a brilliant throw away line. Dead bodies are piled up on a cart. The surroundings are a drab brown, a mist of smoke surrounding them, the smell of death and filth in the air. Men are betraying one another. Into the scene comes a shiny Arthur—dressed in white and gold. A picture of splendor. At this sight of the glamorous king, the cart master turns to his mate and says, “He must be a king”. The friend enquires, “how do you know?” And here is the line that I’ve shied away from: “Because he hasn’t got [insert poop emoji] all over him.”

King’s don’t have fecal matter on them. They are above the stench, glistening white instead of the drab surroundings. That’s how a king is supposed to be. And that’s why Jesus is always so shocking to us. If you can pardon the expression, “he’s got [insert poop emoji] on him.” I shy away from that because I think we bristle at such a thought. He’s our Lord. And it seems offensive to say something like this. And I’ve avoided using that particular word so as not to multiply any potential offense. Yet, I think it’s an important point to be made about the mission and person of Jesus. And we see it crop up in Mark 2:13-17.

Jesus calls a tax collector, Levi/Matthew, to himself. That’s offensive enough. But what Jesus does next is shocking to the religious elite. He eats and drinks with them, the tax collectors and sinners. “Why does he eat with them…” Now listen to Jesus’ response:

“Those are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick, ‘I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.’”

From the perspective of a scribe and Pharisee Jesus’ comment doesn’t really answer their question. Can’t you heal the sick without eating with them? Can’t you preach the gospel to them without reclining at table with them? Do you need to share the cup with them in order to call them? Do you have to get [insert poop emoji] all over you?

Yeah.

You do.

That is Jesus’ point in eating with them. He doesn’t call them from a distance. We see this come up again in Luke 13. He’s the vinedresser who is pleading for one more year for the fig tree to bear fruit. And what does he propose? Getting into the dirt and clearing out the roots and surrounding it with manure. Getting his hands dirty.

The human response to the plague, that Monty Python so creatively brought out, was to turn on our fellow man. To wallop an old man over the head so he can go in the death cart today instead of waiting until next Thursday. And the king…oh the kings cannot be bothered with such stuff…gallops on by the muck and the mire. That’s what kings do. That’s how you can tell somebody is a king.

But not Jesus. Jesus enters into our suffering. He is the most pure of all and yet isn’t identified by his spotless purity—his being removed from the dinge—but rather blends in with the tax collectors and sinners. He looks like one of them. The real king is among the death carts.

And Pastors Today?

I think about this with pastoral ministry. What do we look like in the midst of suffering and squalor. Can you tell that we’re pastors because we don’t have [insert poop emoji] all over us? Have we removed ourselves from suffering? Perhaps even calling it “above reproach”, but in reality it’s “above the dirt”.

When we are living in a mess we shouldn’t be able to be identified by our spotlessness. I realize there is a way of thinking which believes our gospel is to prance by the suffering with a large banner that says “child of the king” in the hopes that they’ll realize they could get out of filth if they’d only bow to our Jesus. But that’s not the way of Jesus. The gospel is that Jesus incarnates into the filth and redeems us right where we are. He comes in a dirty manger, walks upon dusty roads, sits with filthy sinners, dies on a bloody cross, and raises out of a garden filled with the stench of death.

And that is how we know he is the One True King.

When Preaching Hide the Shark, Don’t Jump It

Mike Leake

untitledfolderJumpSharkslide13HSS0Growing up I had a steady diet of Fruity Pebbles and Nick-at-Nite television. One of the shows I watched was Happy Days. So I was kind of excited to see the other day an entire channel dedicated to Happy Days on PlutoTV.

The other night, I grabbed some Fruity Pebbles and decided to give the show another go. But I was shocked by what I saw. There was no Richie Cunningham. No Ralph Malph. The set looked different. The plot seemed to center around Fonzie, which was fine but the whole thing was weird. I knew that Happy Days had several spin-offs, was this some weird spin-off?

Nope. This was only an episode a couple seasons after Fonzie had “jumped the shark”. Fonzie, still donning his leather jacket, jumps over a shark to prove his masculinity. (Apparently a beard and rifle wasn’t a requirement back then). From this moment forward the show changed—it moved away from Richie and the Gang to being more about Fonzie.

According to a couple of college buddies who coined the term, this “jumping the shark” was the moment which spelled the end for Happy Days as a quality show. A gimmick was used in order to capture attention, but because it wasn’t an organic gimmick it changed the very nature of the show. Once you go down that path it’s pretty much impossible to return.

How Preachers Can Jump the Shark

When I’m preaching I want to make sure that I am sharing God’s Word as effectively as possible. Being true to the text is my first aim. But I think that also means sharing a text with the passion that it deserves. We should share God’s Word in such a way that it will grab attention. 

But we should make sure our illustrations are organic and serve the text. When a television show “jumps the shark” its typically because they have moved away from the core of what made it successful in the first place. So in preaching we’re “jumping the shark” anytime we’re distracting from the person and message of Jesus. Our sermons should point to Jesus. Always. And every illustration we string together should be for highlighting and shining a spotlight on Christ. But far too often things like opening illustrations can give away far too much or be so distracting that the text ends up serving the illustration instead of the illustrations serving the text.

There is another shark principle which I think can serve us well.

Hide the Shark

Jaws, which has been dubbed the original summer blockbuster, was a two hour film about a shark. But you may be surprised to learn that Jaws doesn’t make a full appearance in the show until the 1 hour and 21 minute mark.

The movie is about Jaws but the title character doesn’t make a full appearance until 3/4 of the way into the show. Now some of this was because the mechanical shark was a piece of junk and so Spielberg had to minimize the shots. But it was also rather creative way to build suspense. Is Jaws about a shark or is it about fear of the unknown? What’s more memorable about Jaws, the shark itself or Daah dun, daah dun, daah dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun?*

Chris Anderson makes this point in his book on TED Talks:

Occasionally, speakers try to bring too much to their opening paragraph. They essentially give away the punchline of their talk. ‘Today I’m going to explain to you that the key to success as an entrepreneur is simply this: determination.’ A worthy goal. But the speaker may have already lost the audience. They think they know the talk already…so instead of giving it all away up front, imagine what kind of language will seduce the audience into wanting to come along for the ride. (Anderson, 165)

I’ve been told by various public speaking experts that you want to tell people what you are going to tell them early on in the talk. I think there is some wisdom to that—but I also think we need to be skillful in hiding the shark. They need to know that something is coming but not necessarily what. We should be leading our hearers along a journey with the text of Scripture.

I’m not always the best at doing this. But I try to preach the Bible in a bit more of a narrative fashion with the text driving us the entire way. Doing this, though, it is imperative that we have deeply engrained the principle of not jumping the shark. Every illustration and every step along the journey cannot be about those steps but it has to be about what we are leading to—it has to be pointing us to Christ.

If you’re a preacher try something like this next Sunday. Hopefully your people know that Jesus is coming…hopefully the know that you’re going to be proclaiming the gospel…but you can still tease it out. They know it’s coming but they don’t know how. That’ll keep them locked in as you exposit the life-giving text.