A Simple Discipleship Plan

Mike Leake

photo-1629141648935-fd2986d92c6fOne of my favorite stories to tell when I’m trying to inspire a congregation to engage the work of children is this one. L.R. Scarborough tells a story from the ministry of D.L. Moody:

“Mr. Moody tells of a little street urchin in Chicago who went many, many blocks across the frozen streets of the great city, passing church and Sunday school after church and Sunday school to the church served by Mr. Moody. A Sunday school teacher stopped him one morning and said, ‘Where are you going?’ He said, ‘To Mr. Moody’s Sunday school.” He said, “Why, that is many, many blocks away. Come into my class in this Sunday school nearby.’ The boy said, ‘No.’ The teacher persisted and finally asked the boy why he went so far through the cold across the city to Mr. Moody’s Sunday school. He said, ‘Because they love a fellow over there!’

I love the simplicity of this. And it fits well with my philosophy of ministry: love people, preach Jesus. We can have a tendency to over complicate things. Sometimes when we have a languishing discipleship ministry within our church what is needed isn’t a big multi-point plan. Often it’s getting back to simple basic things. To this end I’ve often found Robert Coleman’s Master Plan of Evangelism to be beautifully simple.

Do What Jesus Did

When Jesus called the disciples into a relationship with Him he was also calling them into ministry. It would be through these first disciples that the entire world would be changed. Coleman looks through the New Testament to see the evangelism/discipleship strategy of Jesus—and it is gloriously simple. Coleman lists eight guiding principles which leads to replicating disciples. I will show at the end how I think you can simplify this even further.

  • Selection—find those who are faithful, available, and teachable and invite them into a meaningful relationship.
  • Association—spend time with them
  • Consecration—call for a commitment
  • Impartation—give away the Christ in us to them
  • Demonstration—show how to follow Jesus
  • Delegation—give them a job
  • Supervision—watch them do the job
  • Reproduction—encourage them to repeat the cycle with someone else.

This is the core of Coleman’s book and it’s incredibly helpful. Imagine what would happen in our churches if only ten people decided to follow this plan with 3 people per year. It doesn’t require seminary training—it simple requires being faithful, available, and teachable and spending time with Jesus with other people.

Here is my simple version of Coleman’s principle. Pick 2-3 people commit to a weekly or semi-weekly meeting and just “talk about Jesus” and live your life together. At the end of the year each person finds 2-3 people to repeat the process.

Overcoming a Significant Barrier

This is an incredibly simple plan but there are a couple barriers. For one, we often shy away from this level of intimacy with other people. But if we get over that hurdle we find another one—once we reach this level of intimacy with another person we are really slow to dissolve the relationship so we can pursue discipleship with others.

I wish I could tell you I know the answer to this, but I do not have one. The truth is, we don’t have a model in the New Testament of Jesus leaving his original twelve and then picking up a new set of disciples. He spent three years with them and then was crucified. But we do know that the Holy Spirit, through persecution, did kind of bust up the original band of twelve. They were spread all throughout the world. But there is no indication that they did not remain at least as close as one could remain when no longer in proximity without cell phones and email.

What I have seen happen is that life (I think you could say the providence of God) has a way of working this issue out. There are those who seem to truly be lifelong companions on a deeper level. But for the most part these types of discipleship groups tend to ebb and flow—often by things as simple as work schedules. And then you find a few new people and start the process over.

What I do know is that this barrier is not significant enough to not start the process. Find 2-3 people who you can begin this with even today. Encourage them to a committed discipleship type of relationship and explore ways to reproduce that group.

What have you found successful in these types of discipleship relationships? How have you worked to overcome the reproduction barrier?

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Photo source: here

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The Difference Between a Prophet and a Narcissist

Mike Leake

pexels-photo-10853457The days of Jeremiah were perilous days where there was a competition on who was speaking the word of God. Jeremiah claimed to be speaking God’s Word. They were not welcome words. They were words of judgment, approaching disaster, and calls for repentance. The court prophets had a completely different message. They proclaimed a message of hope and prosperity. Both claimed to be speaking for God.

Yesterday, we shared a fictional story (though sadly all too often reality). It was noted that a narcissist will often take the role of a prophet. It is part of his/her stage of devaluing that which he/she once overwhelmed with love and affection. It’s all for the purpose of control. But this can be incredibly confusing at certain stages. Narcissist can sound like prophets—they can even speak truth. They can be charming, perceptive, and their bold stance for truth can be appealing to Christians. At times a true prophet may sound like a narcissist and the narcissist can sound prophetic. How can you tell the difference.

Prophets weep, narcissists are fake empaths

Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet. The message which he was delivering was heart wrenching. He didn’t want to do it. It was a fire in his bones that he was weary of having. He wept at the catastrophe. Jeremiah had empathy. “My eyes are spent with weeping; my stomach churns…because of the destruction of the daughter of my people…”

A narcissist can weep. A narcissist can even fake emotions and empathetic responses. But they struggle with actual empathy. If you bring your tragedy to a narcissist he will either engage in comparative suffering (even trying to one up you) or may try to listen but end up telling you how you feel.

Narcissist’s have become very skilled at faking empathy. They can seem as if they are great listeners and incredibly caring. They may even be the first person to check on you when you have gone through a tragedy. But set up a boundary and see what happens? Do they respect your story? Are they letting you tell your story on your terms? Is your story being swallowed up by their own? That’s a good way to detect a narcissist instead of a prophet.

Prophets are often vulnerable, narcissists are fauxnerable

Think of Ezekiel. He embodied his message. The prophets make themselves very vulnerable. They lay it all on the line. They are often an open book.

That’s not the case with a narcissist. Here I turn to Chuck DeGroat, who has coined this excellent term fauxnerability (a fake vulnerability). Here are some characteristics of fauxnerability:

  • Contradictions. (Not consistent in their character)
  • Disclosures focus on the past
  • Staged fauxnerability (tears on stage little empathy face to face)
  • Victim mentality
  • Lack of curiosity
  • Oversharing
  • Self-referencing

Again a narcissist has often mastered how to appear vulnerable. But look for some of these tells. The narcissist has to be in control and so true vulnerability isn’t an option. Ask about a present sin or struggle that the narcissist has not yet gotten mastery over. Are they asking questions or making statements? That is often the biggest tell.

Prophets speak truth and leave the results to God, narcissists speak half-truths and force results

A prophet will very passionately and persuasively share God’s message. They are definitely invested in whether or not their hearers respond. Jonah’s disinterested posture towards Nineveh is an anomaly. The prophets cared about response—but they did not force a response. They were not controlling. They were not bullies. They were proclaimed truth and left the results to God.

There is a phrase that John Newton liked to use. He saw a difference between notions in the heart and notions in the head. That which was in the heart would lead to action and affection. But notions in the head typically led to a cold and formal religion. And he liked to refer to some as “banging notions in the head”. He’s not using the word but I think Newton is describing a narcissistic tendency. A narcissist doesn’t have curiosity. They cannot handle diversity of thought and opinion. Their world is colored in black and white—with the narcissist being the handler of the varying shades.

If you disagree with a narcissist they will not be able to articulate your position effectively. A prophet can do this. A prophet can listen. What happens when you disagree with a prophet? Typically the prophet weeps as he entrusts you to the Lord’s care. Not a narcissist. A narcissist will fight until you line up. Here is a picture:

But, when others do not behave the way the narcissist wants them to, they become unsettled and easily upset as they do not know what to expect next as others and things are not going according to their plan. A textbook narcissist demands others say or do whatever they want so they can reach their delusional goals, as other people are simply characters in their play, as they often will not consider others a real human being with thoughts and feelings.

Conclusion

There are a few more signs that might help you discern between a narcissist and a prophet. Narcissists will tend to isolate and try to gather a following. A prophet is more community and other-oriented. The key here is whether or not the goal and aim is God. Even the harshest words of the prophet are aimed at drawing into a deeper relationship with God. The prophet’s words do not terminate upon the prophet. It is not allegiance to the prophet but to the word of God that matters. This is not the case with a narcissist.

What happens when you discover that the “prophet” isn’t actually speaking the words of God but is actually a narcissist? We will tackle that question next time.

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Photo source: here

What Does Narcissism Look Like in a Church?

Mike Leake

photo-1484115189433-7d54dc870096Yesterday, we looked at a few characteristics of a narcissist and also outlined a narcissist cycle of abuse. What happens when someone who is fixated on themselves enters your community or becomes your pastor?

On the back of When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat an important question is asked: “Why does narcissism seem to thrive in our churches?” Why is it that the “vast majority of ministerial candidates test on the spectrum of Cluster B DSM-V personality disorders…”? And why are the rates even higher among church planters? Why do narcissists so easily get propelled to positions of leadership within our churches? I will give you a brief story (fictional, but will probably feel all too real to many readers) in an effort to shine a spotlight on how this happens.

The Answer To All Your Prayers

Podunk Baptist Church is hurting and has a massive gap to fill in an important department. Narcissist Ned is relatively new to the area and has exhibited a passion in this particular area. In fact he has already told many of the members and other leaders of his unbelievable experience in this particular area. He seems to be the expert you’ve been praying for. One of the characteristics of a narcissist is to exaggerate their life. Healthprep explains:

To give narcissists some credit, they’re excellent dramatists, and they can turn the most mundane details of their lives into the most outrageous, unbelievable stories. These are often too good to be true, because they’re actually lies. Their need to impress causes narcissists to stretch the truth or omit facts to fit their narrative better.

Their need to exaggerate, to be needed, to be seen as superior, and their sense of entitlement matches perfectly with the churches need for a passionate person to fill a ministry need. Sure, there might be a few warning signs but nevertheless Narcissistic Ned is thrust into a position of leadership. Keep in mind that most churches would “rather believe a reassuring lie than an utterly inconvenient and disturbing truth.” 

For a season it seems as if all the prayers have been answered. It’s a symbiotic relationship. The church is meeting Ned’s need to feel good about himself and he is returning the favor. He tells everyone what a great church he is part of.

When Reality Hits

But then reality starts to rear its ugly head. The church shows her flaws. This will play perfectly into the personality of the narcissist. Churches have flaws. They are filled with sinners. And healthier churches will have a built in culture of repentance, they’ll want to hear how they can grab hold of Christ better. Ned the Narcissist will be very adept at pointing out the flaws within the church—and may even seem to be prophetic. But this is where that symbiotic relationship with wither. Ned cannot admit to any of his own issues.

Although a narcissist generally wants to be in control, ironically, they never want the responsibility that comes with this role, the results and consequences for their actions, unless, of course, everything goes their way. However, when things do not go according to their plan or they feel criticized, a narcissist will place the responsibility and blame on others who are involved, as it always has to be someone else’s fault when things are not perfect. In some situations, the blame is generalized, such as all bosses, teachers, coworkers, friends, family, politicians and professionals, and so on, are to blame. (source)

What this will do is burn bridges with some and build a deep foundation with others. Within a church structure a narcissist can be on the idealization stage (think honeymoon) with some and the devaluation or rejection phase with others. This will likely develop factions within the church. Many conversations will be about Ned. He will be a polarizing figure. Some will love Ned, and others (likely those who have experienced the darker side of his narcissism) will have a bad taste in their mouth.

Your church is now divided and Ned has caused many problems. So, what do you do? How do you confront Ned? What are the next steps to take?

We will tackle that question on Friday…but tomorrow we need to consider the difference between a prophetic truth-teller and a narcissist.

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Photo source: here

10 Characteristics of a Narcissist

Mike Leake

When-Narcissism-comes-to-Church-Instagram-endorsement-1One of the most helpful books I’ve read in the past 5 years is When Narcissism Comes to the Church by Chuck DeGroat. Much of the emotional and spiritual abuse that happens comes from the hands of those who have a narcissistic personality.

Over the next couple days I want to share a few insights from this book and also think through how it relates to verses such as Matthew 18:15-20. I think in order to help our communities thrive, to speak for the vulnerable, and to love like Jesus we need to be knowledgeable of the Bible as well as being trauma-informed.

Today, I will share 10 characteristics, the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and try to give a bit of a picture of what interacting with a narcissist might look like.

The Characteristics of a Narcissist

DeGroat, with the help of Craig and Carolyn Williford, identify ten characteristics of the narcissist:

  1. All decision-making centers on them
  2. Impatience or a lack of ability to listen to others
  3. Delegating without giving proper authority or with too many limits
  4. Feelings of entitlement
  5. Feeling threatened or intimidated by other talented staff
  6. Needing to be the best and brightest in the room
  7. Inconsistency and impulsiveness
  8. Praising and withdrawing
  9. Intimidation of others
  10. Fauxnerability  (a calculated vulnerability)*

Is there someone in your life who this seems to fit to a tee? If so you might be dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality. I would also suggest reading through this insightful article outlining a few more warning signs. It is also important that we understand narcissistic abuse.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Abuse tends to follow cycles. You’ve likely seen the cycle of violent abuse: Tensions build, incident, reconciliation, calm—in an endless cycle. In one phase the abuser is making promises, sending flowers, bringing presents, and being a knight in shining armor in order to gain or regain control. Once that control is gained the relationship moves into a stage where the abuser begins to isolate the victim, demeans them, intimidates them, and begins to withdraw affection. When the victim is successfully “broken down” an abusive incident occurs. When the victim fights back, leaves, or placates the cycle tends to restart.

When you first meet a narcissist they will make you feel as if you are the most wonderful person to have ever lived. This phase is called idealization. You are given a ton of attention and the narcissistic abuser will be working to create a sense of ownership of you. Boundaries will be crossed but in the name of love and care for you. Early attempts at isolation will be made.

But nobody can stay on a pedestal forever. Eventually you fall off and at this stage the narcissist begins to devalue you. This is where put downs, threats, triangulation, and even more isolation begin to happen. If a narcissist is called out on any of this they will turn the script and play the role of a victim. (See DARVO).

This is where I’m a bit hesitant to call this a cycle. Narcissist will tend to reject and discard those who are no longer boosting their ego and giving them the attention that is needed. Narcissists tend to end the relationship and find another person/community to begin the abusive cycle all over. But they don’t go out without swinging. Here are a few behaviors common to the rejection phase:

  • Feelings of contempt and rage
  • Betraying the relationship
  • Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them
  • Playing the victim
  • Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
  • Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse  (Source)

What do you think happens when a narcissist comes to your church? What happens when that person becomes your pastor? We’ll try to paint a picture of this tomorrow.

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*It’s important that we consider the potential for narcissism in ourselves. Self-centeredness is part of the fall. It’s possible that you can see even a few of these things within yourself. (And the ability to see these may indicate that you aren’t actually a narcissist). We can also be very self-deceived. That’s why a healthy practice would be to give this list to others and ask them how they experience you. Give them permission to be absolutely honest with you.