Why Our Marriage Retreat is Not “Practical”

Mike Leake

Early on in our marriage my wife and I attended several marriage conferences. Our marriage was not on the fritz or anything like that. We loved each other deeply but we needed some assistance in how to do life together. Seldom did these marriage conferences have lasting results. They gave us a few practical tips to take home and apply but within a few weeks our marriage slipped back into our natural way of doing things.

What was seldom addressed in these conferences was my heart. Oh, there was the obligatory session on making Jesus central in your marriage. But this was usually nothing more than a well meaning attempt to share the gospel with unbelievers. As the conferences progressed it seemed as if the gospel was left behind and we went forward into the really practical stuff. Most of this advice was nothing more than Christianized psychology or sociology class. All of the advice could have just as easily been taught in a secular setting minus the Bible verses.

Because my heart was never addressed all these conferences did was make me a more crafty and sinful husband. I could manipulate these “Christian” principles to get my way. They made me a more polished sinner.

Why Our Marriage Retreat is Not “Practical”

There are scores of Christian books and conferences out there that are very practical and honestly can be very helpful. Most people that come to a marriage conference want tips for changing their marriage. They want to know a seven-step process for changing their marriage. And so we acquiesce and give the practical stuff that people can take home with them and immediately apply to their marriage. The problem with seven-step processes though, is that they either work or they don’t.

One couple attends the marriage conference (couple A) and they find these practical tips helpful. They take these tips home and apply it to their marriage. Things begin to change. Their are so excited about this new material that they invite their friends (couple B) to attend the next marriage conference. They assure this young couple that learning this will help their marriage to become as happy and pleasurable as their own.

Couple B attends the marriage conference with Couple A. They learn the seven-step process, take it home and immediately apply it to their marriage. They have a new found hope that finally their marriage is going to be as happy as it was supposed to be on their wedding day. But then they hit a wall. It doesn’t work. For couple B these biblical principles “didn’t work”.

Naturally the struggling couple slips back into unhealthy, unbiblical, and even worldly practices in their marriage. Eventually couple B goes to the courthouse and files for divorce. They tried the Bible thing but it didn’t work. It didn’t fix their marriage, so God obviously wants them to not be together. (That may sound A to Z but I have witnessed this happen more times than I have fingers).

The difference between couple A and couple B is theology. Couple A went to the marriage conference with a relatively healthy theology of marriage. These practical tips assisted them in applying their theology. Couple B had a poor theology of marriage and so their application of the practical tips did little because they never addressed the heart.

Every problem that we have in marriage is fundamentally a theological problem. Or to put that another way every problem that we have in marriage is a “gospel” problem. It is not necessarily that we do not know the right answers to Bible questions. But it is that because of sin in our hearts, or perhaps because of ignorance, we are not applying the gospel—we are not applying our theology—to our marriage.

This is why our marriage retreats are not “practical”.

Or are they?

I believe giving people a theology of marriage coupled with a few helpful pointers is more practical than giving people seven steps. It is similar to the old adage that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach him to fish you feed him for a lifetime. When sinners are given practical tips but they are not taught how to address their hearts it is similar to just giving them a fish. But teaching people how the gospel informs every component of their marriage helps them fish for a lifetime.

Address the heart and apply the gospel. You’ll be eternally practical.

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Later I will show you the outline of our marriage retreat material.

One of the Most Important Things We Do As a Church

Mike Leake

It is no secret that marriages are struggling. It is also no secret that marriages are struggling even within local churches. This is not surprising. Marriage is the union of two sinners. Marriage does not come natural and they need healthy communities in order to thrive. They also need the gospel. With our increasingly fragmented cultures and the continual watering down of the gospel it is not shocking that marriage is falling on hard times.

In response to this trend our church decided to begin having frequent marriage retreats. One of the core values of our church is to be a gospel-saturated community. One area in which this is lived out is in equipping families. We believe that in order for marriages to thrive they need a robust gospel and to live life in a community informed by that gospel. Therefore, our marriage retreats seek to strengthen marriages by rooting marriages in the gospel and building a community saturated by the gospel.

The Plan

Our goal is to have one marriage retreat every quarter. These are not meant to be large groups. In fact we cap off our attendance at 10 couples per quarter (including the lead pastor and myself). Every quarter one of our deacons will go with his wife. He will also invite another leader that he has been actively training and discipling.  This leaves six open slots. Our deacon picks two families from his deacon family list to invite to the retreat. This leaves four slots. We leave these open to the church on a first come first serve basis.

We keep the cost at only $100 per couple. This covers the cost of most of their food and their room at the Highland Lakes Camp. We leave on Friday evening and return back to our homes on Sunday afternoon.

During the weekend we have four teaching sessions, group time, tons of free time, and worship time. Part of our goal is to encourage our leaders to step up and minister to these couples. We also want this to be an avenue for new leaders to emerge (those that our established leaders have been discipling). We also believe that this time away will build relationships between many couples in our church.

This is one of the most important things that we do as a church. It gives us an entire weekend to teach a robust gospel and to create and cultivate gospel-saturated communities. As marriages are strengthened so is our local church and community.

Tomorrow morning I will explain why our sessions are not “practical”…

Gospel-Colored Katsak For Sale

Mike Leake

Last Tuesday I posted a video and invited you to make an illustration using the video. Once again you responded in vast numbers. I have been sifting through these illustrations for an entire week and now today I will post mine. By “sifting through” I mean “waiting for”. Like a naughty boy on Christmas morning my stocking was empty. So, I figured that today I’d share my illustration:

Here is the video:

It is pretty obvious from this video that Mike Rowe is not sold on the glory of a Katsak. People probably still bought the things but only cat lovers and people addicted to QVC. I seriously doubt that anyone was won over by Mike Rowe’s selling of the Katsak. Rowe isn’t sold on the product and so he is unable to sell it.

As I listen to Rowe I can’t help but think about gospel proclamation. Not that the gospel is something that we have to “sell” like a Katsak. But I can’t help but wonder if our confidence in the gospel pales even in comparison to Rowe’s passion in the Katsak.

Thomas Boston once said, “If you believe the wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God, you can not speak to them as if you were telling a story”. I do not think that Boston is talking against storytelling. The Puritans were actually quite good at telling stories and applying the Scriptures to everyday life. What Boston is referring to is a blood-earnestness in our gospel proclamation. 

Rowe is basically saying, “Here is a katsak. I am going to do my best to convince you that it is something worth spending 25 bucks on. Personally, I think it is moronic but it is my job to convince you that it’s not. So look at all these amazing uses for a katsak…”

We had better be more convinced of the power of the gospel than that. We cannot afford to share the gospel like it’s “our job”. You don’t share good news like you sell a katsak. In fact, I very seriously doubt that you will share the news if you value it like Rowe does the katsak. Persecution will shut you up. But if it is truly good news and it has rocked your world then you share it in such a way that far more than QVC addicts are confronted with what you are proclaiming.

Rowe give evidence that convincing and passionate proclamation is not something that you can conjure up on your own. You have to really be convinced of its value. Do you value the gospel? Or is your proclamation similar to Mike Rowe trying to sell a katsak.

The Assyrian Captivity of Ministry

Mike Leake

Last night my shipment of new power tools and power saws arrived*. A few weeks back the Lord really convicted me about my need to be intentional about serving my wife. One of the things that I decided to do in response was get serious about learning how to be more handy around the home. Hence my purchase of power tools.

One of the things I am quickly learning is that using the proper tool for each job is essential. Some saws are better at cutting around corners. Other saws are best used for cutting angles. And others are good for just lopping off the part of the board you don’t need. At the end of the day I am the one responsible for deciding which tool is best for the job.

I thought of my new power tools when I read this verse:

    Shall the axe boast over him who hews with it,
        or the saw magnify itself against him who wields it?
    As if a rod should wield him who lifts it,
        or as if a staff should lift him who is not wood!
(Isaiah 10:15 ESV)

There is one thing every one of my power tools has in common at this moment. Inactivity. An axe does nothing unless I swing it. My saw does nothing unless I wield it. It would be stupid for my powerless power tools to boast in themselves when their ability to work comes from the outside.

Not so with the Assyrians. They are but a tool in the hands of Yahweh, yet they view themselves as much more. They are confident that their quest for world domination rests squarely in their own abilities. They cannot see the hand of Yahweh. They do not know that they will only be able to go as far as the Lord permits them. Foolish Assyrians…

More like, foolish believer. Isaiah 10 was a stunning reminder to me yesterday that I am but an instrument in the hands of my redeemer. Yes, I have certain gifts that are able to accomplish certain jobs. But it is absolutely foolish for me to boast when the Lord is simply using the tool that He crafted. It is also stupid for me to be depressed or envious when he leaves me on the shelf and uses a better suited instrument. 

Brothers and sisters, we are called to leave people in awe of the Carpenter and not the saw. Part of this is realizing that not every job requires our skills. We are but one tool in the Lord’s arsenal. Our call is to be faithful whenever the Lord picks us up for use.

When I drive by a beautiful house I seldom think about the tools used to create it. The glory is reserved for the architect. It is my prayer that as our local church spreads the kingdom of Christ into our community people give glory to the Builder and not the instruments used for building.

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*On an unrelated note, If you notice an upswing in typos within the next few weeks it will be me adjusting to a couple missing fingers.