5 Ways to Deal With Difficult People

Mike Leake 2 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from the pen of Dave Jenkins. Dave is a Christian, husband to Sarah, freelance writer, avid golfer, and the Director of Servants of Grace Ministries. You can follow him on twitter at @DaveJJenkins or read more at http://servantsofgrace.org

Dealing with difficult people in a Christ-like manner maybe one of the most difficult ways to live out the gospel. Difficult, because this requires patience, something I struggle to display.

It has been said that if you pray for patience, God will indulge you with opportunities to develop it. And so, for this reason, God puts in our path, difficult people. They are the sandpaper we need to polish off our rough and sinful edges.

I’ve found five observations about dealing with difficult people:

  1. Dealing with difficult people provides fresh opportunities to display humility.  When John Calvin was asked to define the Christian life he said three times (following Augustine) that the Christian life was humility, humility, humility. The Bible teaches that God exalts the humble. Proverbs 3:34, “Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favor.” James 4:6, “But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”  1st Peter 5:6, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,” When you love someone who annoys you, you are lowering your own estimation of yourself and exalting a brother or sister in the Lord.
  2. Difficult people expose our latent pride:  Following Christ involves submission to the authority, inspiration, inerrancy, and sufficiency of Scripture. 2ndTimothy 3:16, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” Difficult people test this theory and often expose our own idolatry of self. The feelings we have for those we don’t like reveal our selfishness and pride.  So in every relationship struggle, we have to ask ourselves: will we exalt ourselves as ultimate, as gods, or will we come under the authority of the Word and thus, reach out in love to those we may not like?
  3. Difficult people force us to our knees in prayer. Here is something I’ve tried to employ when I’m forced to engage with a person who may be difficult:  First, I need to make sure my heart is right before God. This will eliminate most potential conflicts. Second, I have found it wise to get some wise counsel from a godly friend or mentor (Proverbs 11:14). Third, pray for the person. Fourth, sandwich your truth-telling in love. Fifth, be quick to listen to the person’s response and slow to interact with their response.
  4. Be willing to hear criticism without defensiveness. James 1:19 is really applicable in relationships: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” Proud people are quick to speak but slow to listen. Humble people endeavor to listen well. This demonstrates love and shows you care about their thought. It also provides a platform for you to speak into that person’s life.
  5. Dealing with difficult people point out weak areas in our lives. When criticized don’t respond negatively but instead thank the person for sharing their perspective. Humility isn’t being a know-it-all. Humility is a lifelong process of admitting what one doesn’t know and growing in God’s grace.

Missions and Absentee Fatherhood

Mike Leake 1 Comment
Today’s guest post comes from the pen of Jeremy Parks. Jeremy is a Texas native with North Carolina roots, works for IMB in South America. His wife and children tolerate his obsession with cooking, woodturning, and new ways to start campfires.  He blogs at SBC Voices.

I suffer from a bit of a phobia.  A phobia, of course, is not simply a fear of something; it is instead an irrational fear.  I will freely admit to having a level of worry and fear that exceeds what is proper for the situation.

I work in international missions and happen to be responsible for a specific people group, roughly 72,000 strong, scattered across a country the size of Colorado.  I have some local partners here and there, but by and large I work alone.  I could probably travel 3 out of 4 weekends in search of people who need the gospel.  This leads to my phobia: absentee fatherhood.

Sociologists, psychologists, and counselors routinely advertise the risks of absentee fathers.  Inaccessible, missing, disconnected fathers often seem to lie at the root of a whole list of identifiable emotional and behavioral problems in teens and adults.  My drive to avoid causing problems in my kids has a pronounced effect on how I approach work-related travel.  Oddly enough, I tend to equate weekends with entire weeks.  That is, if I am gone 3 out of 4 weekends, I somehow convince myself that I’ve been gone 75% of the time. 

Yes, I know, it is odd; like I said, it’s a phobia.

However, a few weeks ago I went out of town for an extended weekend and the family did great.  It was more than fine – it was wonderful.  My wife told me about all the benefits that came from my being temporarily out of pocket.  That’s a subject for a different post.  At any rate, I shared the pleasant news with a buddy as we were fishing, a guy who has been a pastor, missionary, leader, and counselor.  His take:
“Dude – I’ve had years in which I’ve traveled not at all followed by years in which I was gone 190 days.  I’ve seen families fall apart when Dad was gone and families grow stronger as Dad traveled more.  I’ve learned that a father can be inaccessible even if he is in town, so travel isn’t the culprit.  The reason travel gets such a bad rap is that the stresses brought on by a traveling father often bring to light other issues.  Those issues are the things that crush a family, not the actual travel.”

Hmm….”the stresses brought on by a traveling father often bring to light other issues.  Those are the things that crush a family….”

His comments caused me to evaluate my family and the way in which I am there for them (or not there, as the case may be).  Am I passive?  Overbearing?  Can I listen without interrupting?  Do I respect the choices my wife makes while I am present and while I am absent? 

I think we’re doing ok, and I’m probably going to loosen the reins on my travel schedule.  I’ll be paying close attention to issues that come along.  The real challenge will be making sure I don’t blame travel for some real issue, something festering.  It takes a certain amount of bravery to look past the surface issue (Daddy travels) and see the real problem that travel has brought to light.

Bravery, my friends.  Pray for bravery.

Did Moses Change God’s Mind?

Mike Leake 8 Comments

One of the first articles I ever wrote was an attempt to answer this question: “In Exodus 32, did Moses change God’s mind”? This morning we took on a similar question in our Tough Questions series. My answer today is about the same as it was in 2007:

Malachi 3:6 states, “For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob are no consumed.” (ESV). Numbers 23:19 “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he shouild change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” These verses make clear that God does not change His mind. Psalm 33:11, 102:25-27; and Hebrews 6:17-18 speak of God’s unchangeable purposes.

So what do we make of Exodus 32 (or even Isaiah 38:1-6 or Jonah 3:4, 10)?

While God was giving Moses the 10 Commandments the people of Israel began getting a little restless, so they did what we all do–make our own gods. In verse 10, God meets the Israelites with anger. He is ready to consume every one of them save for Moses. Then Moses prays, focusing on the honor of God’s name, appeals to God’s faithfulness, and pleads with God to continue considering Israel as His people. In verse 14 we read, “And the LORD relented from the disaster that he had spoken of bringing on his people”.

When we read this we understand the word “relented” (KJV’s ‘repented’, NASB’s ‘changed his mind’, or NLT ‘withdrew his threat’) literally. Yet it is actually what we theologians call an anthropopathism. Which is a big word that simply means “giving God human emotions. From our perspective it appears that God ‘relents’ or ‘changes his mind’, but from God’s perspective He is appropriately dealing with changes in human behavior.

If men turn away from sin and repent God will forgive. There is little difference between God’s ‘changing’ in Exodus 32 and His ‘changing’ when a sinner turns and repents. Scripture states that one apart from Christ is “God’s enemy” and has “the wrath of God upon him”. Yet, as soon as a person “repents and believes in the Lord Jesus Christ” he is saved from the wrath to come. God’s view of a person is no longer that of enemy but of a friend. It is similar in this situation: Moses repents (as the representative head of the people), God responds to Moses’ repentance and forgives or ‘relents’.

So does God change His mind? Absolutely not. God is forever unchanging in His character and in His purposes. Yet as Wayne Grudem comments, “God does act and feel emotions, and he acts and feels differently in response to different situations”.
That does not make God unchanging it merely makes Him living.

The real question is this, “Did Moses change God’s mind (so as to catch God by surprise) or was Moses’ intercessory prayer all a part of God’s will and purpose to show His grace?”

Scripture clearly shows that God’s character does not change. He has the same settled disposition towards sin. When Moses prayed He did not change God’s mind. To hold to a doctrine which says, “Moses changed God’s mind” is contrary to what God says in Scripture. He is unswerving in His character and purposes. Moses did not change the course of history, nor catch God off-guard by praying for the Israelites, just as the death of Christ was ordained from the foundation of world, so Moses’ prayer was forever in God’s plan.

Therefore, this unchanging God is mighty to save! If we had a changing God then our hope would be lost. If He can change in His affections for me (meaning: constantly in response to me–so as to say “I changed God’s mind”) then He can do so positively or negatively. What confidence do we have then in our salvation as well as in the God of our salvation?

Take heart, as God said in Malachi 3:6, his unchanging character and purpose is so that we are not consumed. If he could change then we would be consumed. Be comforted in the fact that God’s purpose is set and He is able to save us to the uttermost. The blood of Christ is still sufficient and ALWAYS will be.

Marriage and Pruning

Mike Leake

Today’s guest post is from my amazing wife Nikki Leake. Nikki is the wife of yours truly, the mommy to Isaiah (5)  and Hannah (2). She is also a very talented musician and gives vocal, piano, and guitar lessons at Hometown Music in Huntingburg, IN. Eventually, she’ll have some songs to share with us here at Borrowed Light.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” –Jeremiah 17:7-8

Recently,our family took a little jaunt to Hannibal, Mo; the home of my husband and I’s alma mater and many, many precious memories. We enjoyed the changing campus, and reminisced the days of our meeting and subsequent courtship. It was a special blessing to share our memories with our two young children.

One specific place my husband and I used to frequent was the HLG nature trail. We took our children down the winding trail in search of something very dear to us. For the longest time we had no success in finding our treasure. Our hearts dropped into our stomachs with the thought of not being able to share this very unique symbol with our children…until finally I heard those sweet words, “I found it!”

Overjoyed, I ran to where my husband was standing and my smile quickly faded. “Is that it? Are you sure?” was all I could muster. He was right. There it was, hunched over and choked beneath layers of intertwined trees, shrubs, and weeds.

You see, nearing the end of our year and a half long courtship, in order to demonstrate his hopes for our future together, my husband had planted a tree. A beautiful flowering Dogwood tree (sweet, huh?) He led me to the tree and read Jeremiah 17:8. It has been our hope that our marriage would reflect Jeremiah 17:8; rooted in Christ and fruitful in all seasons.

The last time that we had visited our special spot (a couple years ago) our tree was healthy and growing towards the sky with promise. Now, looking at our struggling tree, it didn’t take long for me to hear the Lord’s admonitions. As we pulled away all of the intruders to ensure the well-being of our tree, the potent and transforming symbolism struck me.

Our precious tree needed pruning.

This pruning experience seems easier in most relationships except marriage. Perhaps it is because we put so much of our identity in our marriages. Pruning hurts.

Yet, God has given us the high calling of reflecting Himself and His relationship with His Bride. If our marriages are to even faintly accomplish this goal, we must clear away the weeds and thorns that threaten to choke even the healthiest and happiest of marriages.

Reflecting upon the pruning that is often needed in marriages, I thought of five major culprits. Here are the five, followed by a Scripture passage that I have found helpful in battling them—these cut to the core of our hearts and motivations:

  1. Bitterness. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.  Mark 11:25
  2. Selfishness. I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you.   And here is how to measure it — the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends. John 15:12
  3. Harshness. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
  4. Self-preservation. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience  Colossians 3:12
  5. Fleshly eyes: From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:16a (Jesus loves our spouses more than we do. Am I seeing my spouse with the eyes and heart of God right now?)

Our marriages are definitely worth all of the time, energy, love, nurturing…and yes…pruning we can afford. They are one of the most powerful weapons that will ever be ours to wield. May we be found faithful with them.