Advice For Those Married to a Withholding Spouse

Mike Leake

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 ESV)

My wife and I loved watching Everybody Loves Raymond, and still watch a rerun on occasion. It provides some great laughs, often through exposing the every day struggles that married couples have. One of the running gags on the show is Raymond’s pursuit of intimacy with his wife. He usually ends up rejected. One memorable episode has Ray turning the tables on Debra—he discovers the power of “no”. This causes her to play the desperate role that Raymond so often played on the show.

Such situational comedy provides great laughs—but it does so by pointing to a painful reality that many men live with daily. According to the apostle Paul a withholding spouse is a massive open door for the tempter to do damage to the relationship.

My goal today is to give a little advice to guys that have a withholding spouse.

But first I want to give a couple of disclaimers. First, I’m writing this to guys that truly have a withholding spouse. There are many things I believe that Paul does not mention in this text that would be valid reasons for a wife to not give “her conjugal rights” to her husband. There are medical reasons, some psychological reasons, and such that would not make her withholding. Now, I do believe that some of the advice might still pertain but some of it doesn’t.

Secondly, this is a very sensitive topic and one that I do not take lightly. I know that a myriad of reasons are given as to why a spouse might be withholding herself from her husband. More times than not she is withholding because she is married to a man who has a terrible view of sex and to top it off he’s a pretty poor husband. In truth, if the husband would just man up in these areas he’d probably find that his sex life would improve. But that way of thinking is part of the pain and the problem isn’t it? A couple that runs on a reward system similar to what we see on Everybody Loves Raymond is falling well short of the biblical idea of marriage and sexuality. And yet far too many Christian couples fall into this worldly way of responding to one another.

So let’s imagine that you are a guy that is legitimately trying to be all that God calls you to be as a husband. And yet still your wife is withholding herself from you. What do you do? And what do you do with these desires that you have? Here are a few points of counsel:

  1. Orgasm does not provide relief. Jesus Christ does. Some men have turned to self-fulfillment as a response to a withholding spouse. Even fantasizing about your wife and turning to self-pleasure is unhealthy and unhelpful. I understand that you have God-given desires. And I also know that you ought to be able to express these desires in enjoyment of your God-given spouse. But the thing that you desire is not merely orgasm—it is oneness. It stinks that you cannot express this sexually with your wife at this season. But it does not mean that you cannot have relief of your desire for oneness. Turn to Christ. He alone will satiate.
  2. Her sin gives you an opportunity to serve. I’m walking on thin ice here by saying “her sin” but hopefully I’ve given enough disclaimers to be able to say that. Regardless of how wrong your spouse is in this situation you are not freed from the call of a husband in Ephesians 5. And I’m thankful for that because Jesus does not withdraw and turn to self whenever I sin against him. Instead he pursues me with even greater sacrifice and service. Husbands, do the same.
  3. Know that your theology of suffering matters. If you believe that God exists to make you happy and to fulfill all of your desires then it won’t be difficult for you to conclude that His will for your life does not include your spouse. In the same way if you’ve adopted a stoical response to suffering then you’ll be ill-equipped to cast your cares upon the Lord. (I’ve written Torn to Heal to be of some assistance here).
  4. Don’t make an idol of your rights. I find it interesting that in a book where Paul makes such a big deal about giving up his rights for the sake of the kingdom we make such a big deal about our rights in the marriage bed. Yes, you have a right to your spouses body. But what if you ought to give that up for a season for the sake of the kingdom. Paul seems to imply that such a thing might happen on occasion between couples. Here, sadly, you are not united to your spouse. But even still can you not use this as a season of prayer instead of a season to fight for your rights?
  5. Take your pain to the Lord. It is painful when you are sinned against. It is doubly painful when the one that sins against you is your wife. And dare I say that it is far more painful when the area of sin is in your sexuality. It might seem embarrassing but take your pain in this area to the Lord. Plead with him to heal your hurts and to respond with His heart towards your wife.
  6. Remember where your identity is found. Confessing to your friends, or even to the Lord, that you haven’t had sex with your wife in months might be humiliating. Part of this reason is because men can wrongly place their identity in sexual failure and also in sexual prowess. Your identity is firmly fixed in Christ. Remember that.
  7. Pray for your wife. Nothing will redirect your heart and your focus like praying for your spouse. This will help you remember the things that really matter. Your sexual relationship is only one facet of a beautiful multi-faceted diamond. Prayer helps you see that. (Consider picking up our Pray For Your Wife eBook and committing a month to praying for her).

Jesus is bigger.

Today in Blogworld 03.20.14

Mike Leake

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31 Days of Purity—Day Twenty

Mike Leake

Day Twenty: Meaningful Work

It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. (1 Samuel 11:2) 

A king walking on the roof and gazing over his kingdom is not an unusual scenario. It is not even unusual that he might catch a glimpse of something that he should not be seeing. But what is unusual in this story is given to us in verse 1. David is leisurely strolling across his roof and gazing across his kingdom during “the time when kings go out to battle”. It is the season for battle but David is having his own season of leisure. As the text says, “David remained at Jerusalem”.

You can likely relate to David’s story. Some of our greatest sins take place in times of boredom and inactivity. What Spurgeon once said is demonstrably true, “Idle people tempt the devil to tempt them.” One of the antidotes to a life given to impurity is the grace of meaningful work. It is difficult to be consumed with sexual impurity when you are consumed with gospel work. Let us pray that the Lord would help us “approve what is vital” and give our energies to that which is eternal.

Father, thank you for your gift of work. Thank you for involving us in your purpose to fill the world with passionate worshippers. I confess that far too often my mind and heart are focused on much smaller things. At times my heart is driven towards comfort and ease. When my brothers and sisters are “doing battle” I’m “remaining at Jerusalem”. Stir up in my heart a passion to pursue the vital things in life. Keep me from flitting away my time on fleeting pleasure and to pursue your eternal kingdom. Amen.

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Mike Leake is associate pastor of First Baptist Church of Jasper, IN. He and his wife, Nikki have 2 children (Isaiah and Hannah). Mike is the author of Torn to Heal and regularly blogs athttp://mikeleake.net

Discipline For the Sake of Desire

Sarah Van Beveren 1 Comment

Today marks the fifteenth day of Lent, and it also marks the fifteenth evening I will go to sleep with a sullied record. In other years I would have not bothered with Lent at all, or by this time have raised my white flag in swift defeat. This year, however, I feel free to embrace discipline, and the consequent uphill climb that comes with it.

When deciding on my Lenten practices, I didn’t choose that which would be the most sacrificial. I decided to scale back my online reading, giving attention only to the five or six writers I subscribe to. And while I did incorporate abstinence, my focus bent more towards the adding in rather than the taking away.

I had noticed in recent months that when it came to learning, I was never feeling full. I had been consuming such large amounts of opinion and information that engorgement was my new baseline, and anything less left me hungry.

The slow digesting of truth was no longer satisfying.

In a recent post, Jen Pollock Michel said this:

“I’m growing to believe that our invitation into spiritual formation isn’t the abandonment of desire but its reformation. My wisest prayer is not, Help me STOP wanting. My wisest prayer is, Teach me to want. Teach me to want in better ways. Let the character of my wanting be marked by trust in your goodness, surrender to your will. And help me to want for better things. Let not my heart’s affections be secured to lesser things.”

I had become so habituated to consuming the world, that I had become unacquainted with desire. I needed to re-introduce myself to the taste of food that satisfies. I needed a fast that would enable me to feast, a fast that would leave me wanting for Christ, and this would require nothing short of discipline. Not for discipline’s sake, but to instill the habit of clothing myself with Christ in every moment.

Putting this into practice has been difficult, though this should have come as no surprise.  Paul speaks of self-discipline as strict training, not as a runner without destination or a boxer striking thin air, but a blow to the body, the enslavement of our flesh to the Spirit (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).

We’ll have to fight for discipline.

Perhaps this is why effort often gets thrown out as legalism. As soon as we sense a feeling of ‘trying’, we assume we must be lusting after our own righteousness through law keeping. We mistakenly think that if more of God is what we’re after, we would come to our practices with yearning. And so we run from that which will propel us through the race, in lieu of embracing the grunt work that yields reward.

In The Weight of Glory, C. S. Lewis wrote that “a man’s physical hunger does not prove that man will get bread; he may die of starvation on a raft in the Atlantic. But surely a man’s hunger does prove that he comes of a race which repairs its body by eating and inhabits a world where eatable substances exist.”

Your desire for putting on Christ through sacrifice and habit does not ensure that you will always have success. But this desire attests to the fact that you were made for the serious task of sanctification. Sometimes yearning precedes discipline, but often discipline not only precedes, but breeds that yearning. Let us not forget that the regular habit of coming to God, in whichever form you choose, will always yield a reorientation of both heart and mind. When you want to want, meet God and trust that he will meet with you.

God will never fail to honor the desire that propels your discipline.