She excitedly held the pregnancy test out to her husband.
“What does that mean? What am I looking at?”
“I’m pregnant!”
“What?!?! Awesome. Oh my gosh! Let’s tell our parents and…”
“No. I want to wait until, you know, later on. Just in case…” she trailed off. He knew what she meant but did not want to say. In case the baby didn’t make it. In case there was a miscarriage.
———-
How many of us have gone through something similar? The exhilaration of pregnancy leads to nervous unease as the days pass. Husband and wife pray, and wait, hoping this pregnancy will make it. Hoping this one is viable. If the heartbreak of miscarriage comes and the news wasn’t shared, then it will be less people to share such pain with. There is no shame to share with everyone. No one has to know you failed…. wait.. what?
Friends, this should not be. Every pregnancy is a gift from God, a tiny human growing inside a mother as the miracle of life begins anew. There is hope, dreams, the promise of a future child and the years to come teaching them, enjoying them, loving them. Conversations are shared as parents think about the future and worry if they are ready, or if it’s not your first child, stocking up on diapers and sleeping as much as possible now.
Why do we hide the wonderful news of conception? I can understand the pain of those who have experienced a miscarriage, which are far more than is shared or talked about. It may seem easier to you not to share the news in case a miscarriage happens. Who wants to deal with so many well meaning people when that news is shared? They’ll call. They’ll want to talk. You’ll cry.
Is that so bad? We must grieve. A child has died. It’s not a mass of cells as though you lost a finger. From the point of conception forward it will be nothing other than a human child, always. Grieve that loss, and don’t do it privately. It is not healthy to keep such sorrow pent up inside you, burning fresh holes in your heart day by day as you cry silently with no shoulder but your grieving spouse.
There is also no shame as there is no failure. You did not fail. Let me say that again, you did not fail. God knows the beginning and end of all things including whether that child will be born or not. In reading the Bible where it speaks of women being barren until God opened their womb, do you think that means they were always incapable of pregnancy? Could it be that they miscarried anytime they got pregnant as well? The language used is often, “she conceived and bore a,” but that doesn’t mean she never conceived before. Only that before now she had not conceived and given birth. Idle speculation perhaps, but something to think about.
If we hide pregnancies we hide the dignity, wonder, and beauty of human life. We dehumanize the miracle of life that is the child in the womb. Why would you not want to share that something so wonderful and exciting has happened? By doing so, family and friends can pray for you and the baby. Sharing this hope allows you to be open about the hope and happiness of a child. Celebrate that new life that has begun.
“But,” you object, “what if the baby doesn’t make it? I don’t want to deal with all those people.” Friends, I know. Before Gabriel was born we miscarried. Last week, we miscarried again. I know the shock, sadness, utter disappointment, grief, and heartache of miscarriage. I have one beautiful child here, and two more waiting in heaven. I don’t like dealing with so many people expressing sympathy because it seems to bring it up over and over. I don’t like to cry, especially in front of other people. That’s not what 6’2″ big guys with beards do. (But really, we do.)
Yet, I cannot handle that weight alone or shared only with my wife. I live in community with other believers in Christ who rejoice with me when I rejoice, and weep with me when I weep. I’m much happier being alone or with my wife, but grieving is something that happens in community. Share the news when you get pregnant, rejoice in that blessing. If a miscarriage happens and you lose the baby, it is a comfort to have the saints of God there for you.
Do not let the world harden your heart towards your baby, whether they see the light of day or not. The world, and some of your parents and friends, say wait until the first trimester is over. Wait and make reasonably sure the pregnancy will “make it.” Friends, don’t wait. Throw open the doors on that treasure of a child. Let the world know you are parents! You’re not going to be a parent some day, once you conceive you are “mommy” or “daddy.” Whether you get the blessing of raising them or not, you have the blessing of being that child’s parent. Declare to the world and do not be ashamed, then, at the glorious thing that has happened.
My wife and I are grieving. We have lost another child, this time at 7 weeks. We do not grieve as those who have no hope. We rejoice through tears at the honor and blessing of being parents again, even as we say goodbye, for now, to our child. Friends circle their arms on our shoulders from near and far and cry with us. We look forward to that day, that glorious day, when we shall behold Christ. Somewhere in that waiting throng of saints on high are two children we have yet to meet, but we will.
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV)
Nick, what beautiful words to convey this important message. It hurts, not talking hurts, and over the years it will continue to hurt often, as we are reminded of our pain and loss each time we hear of others who lose a baby. I’m so you find comfort in each other, your friends and family, and in your beliefs. Hugs to you both.
I never understood not sharing the great news of a new life begun for the fear of miscarriage. I fought hard to have my babies (infertility issues) and with each one, people knew right away. When I lost our third pregnancy at 8 weeks, I was so heartbroken and there was no way I would have been able to put on a happy face not to mention I had to go into the hospital to stop the bleeding. We had friends come and help with the other children, bring us meals and pray with us and comfort us. What a blessing. When I became pregnant with our 4th pregnancy, we didn’t even hesitate to share our news and it was a blessing to have friends at our side shortly after we found out of the death of the little one at 10 weeks gestation. Once again, we knew we were loved , supported and prayed for. When our 5th pregnancy was announced, I was bathed in prayer and when our son was born, there was a joyous shout! Knowing of our losses, friends rejoiced greatly in his arrival and when our daughter was born 2 years later, there was a great testimony to God’s healing power. Was it hard to share the loss with people? I think it was a lot less difficult than hurting but putting on a “happy face” as if nothing happened. I just couldn’t imagine walking that path alone.
We didn’t share our third pregnancy until later after having lost two, not because we didn’t want sympathy, but because I couldn’t deal with stupid comments DIMINISHING our loss. “Oh well, it was only 9 weeks.” “You can try again.” Like this one didn’t matter.
I completely understand that. Every pregnancy is a child, wither 9 weeks or 40 weeks.
don’t necessarily agree but appreciate you pushing this topic into the light.
In heaven waiting for me are 16 precious babies who I got to carry, but not hold in my arms. Their lives were very real, very precious, very loved and very remembered. This is spot on — and although people make really stupid comments, I can be happy that they don’t know what to say becasue they’ve never felt the pain of this kind of loss. I even had people tell me to stop trying – it was obvious we were never going to have more, after having one “successful” pregnancy — my other attempts, were failures, I guess? *rolls eyes* After 2 losses I had a beautiful little girl, and then after 14 losses I had 2 very healthy baby girls back to back. But, I HAVE 19 children, it’s just that most of them are already home.
Thank you for this article. 🙂